Balance Sheet of Life

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Iris

This song gets to every time I hear it. I feel like I’ve been invisible my entire life to women. Anyone I would like, rarely liked me back. No one really took the time to get to know me. It didn’t help my self esteem because I was never good enough for my father to do anything right. I really felt unlovable and unworthy of real true love most of my life.

Never give up hope.

Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls

Remembrance

This July 4th there is a lot to celebrate being the 245th birthday of our nation. There is so much to be thankful for in America and I will not go into that in this post. I want to remember all my loved ones that are gone like I do on every holiday. I’ve been through a lot of loss and the only member of my immediate family left. I used to be sad and depressed on holidays and never looked forward to them. That has changed this year for me.

I am thankful for my future new family and future I’ll be starting soon with the person I love. One day I’ll find her. What better way to move forward is by remembering all the good things I loved most about the people who are gone. I’ll try to be happy carrying on all their good that I remember.

My closest brother Paul was my best friend and was the most kind and caring man I ever knew. I think I already have that characteristic and will continue. My brother Mark was a go getter and did whatever he had to do to live a life on his own and support his family. I know what I want in life now and will do my best to make it happen to start my new family. My parents did what they needed to do to support their children and stayed together through good and bad. Being disabled, I am limited to what I can do but I will fight and promise to love my wife and be faithful through any issues that may arise and support her any way I can. My grandparents were very loving and I definitely have that trait. I will definitely honor them by showing love and kindness.

“The Remembrance of the good done those we have loved is the only consolation when we have lost them.” (Demoustier). Of course they will remain in my heart forever and it’s easy to remember the happy times instead of the sad. When I’m gone, I hope I’ll be remembered for everything I have and will show to my family.

Ask for Help

I used to keep everything to myself and it almost killed me. No one knew how much pain I was in and they would have been surprised to find out if I was found dead. I kept a smile whenever I was with others.

I thought I had no one to confide in or anyone that would care. I was wrong. I did try family but I only let them know a little how bad I actually was. Would they have helped me? I don’t know. Is it worth never finding out and killing yourself? Did I have any friends I could talk to? Well, I had one and we were both in a bad place at the time. I finally broke down and told my primary doctor. I don’t know why I was so scared to tell him. He gave me a referral to a therapist and I sought further help.

That saved my life. I don’t think I could’ve made it not for seeking help and put on anti-depression meds along with therapy. I couldn’t afford my co-pays to keep going so it was a long struggle to improve. Between the years of 2007-2013 were the worst years of my life. But you know what? Life does get better!

There is always someone that is willing to help. Try family, friends, your neighbor, your teacher, your doctor, or even calling a suicide prevention number in your area. Never feel like you are all alone. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So don’t be shy about asking for help. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it only means you are wise.

Please remember to always help someone in need. You may be the only one that does and can save their life. Be kind, always.

H.O.P.E.

I felt like I didn’t have hope for a long time. Every day I was just existing and not really living. I hated my life and every morning I would wake up thinking what’s going to go wrong today. I don’t even remember the last time I was really happy, if at all.

Maybe I survived to this point in my life because God had a purpose for me. I didn’t have hope and was miserable. Maybe if I believed tomorrow would have been better, I would have enjoyed a better life.

Never, ever give up because then you’ll never have a chance for life to improve. If you are having a rough time right now please have faith that your life will improve. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or in a month but it will happen. I now have hope and know tomorrow will be better. H.O.P.E. (hold on pain ends).