I’m Sorry

I’m sorry, I’m broken…All of these are how I felt most of my life.  Growing up, I was never good enough for anyone, including myself.  Adding to everything else was anxiety, depression, and shyness.  I never had a “good” relationship.  I also went through a suicidal phase but never wanted to discuss that with anyone until I went through therapy.

Therapy and medication can only do so much.  You have to want to get better as well.  My psychiatrist at the time was like a mad scientist.  I tried so many antidepressants and other meds that just drugged me up and if anything helped minimally.  I was able to get quite a few medications put on my allergic list that caused major complications. 

I get started writing a new blog topic and then forget what I was trying to even say.  The main topic was going to be that I feel I’m not good in anything.  My writing style, grammar, punctuation, paragraphs, hopefully not any typos but maybe words changed by auto-correct, and even topics may not be very good.  I try to write topics that I have gone through and use a lot of inspirational quotes to help keep me going. 

They say that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself.  I, for one, do not believe that at all.  Maybe because I’m an empath.  Empathy will be a topic at another time though. 

I wanted to turn my story into something positive but it took me to my mid 50s to get to a good place in my life.  I truly hope it doesn’t take as long for others.  Please don’t let any of these issues make you give up on life.  I am proof, life does get better.  I did have some very short term periods of happiness in my life prior, but never consistent.  My story is not over yet but I honestly feel that the best years of my life are still yet to come.  Please stay positive!

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Learning

One of my biggest regrets in life is not learning more when I was younger. I always had a hard time reading and paying attention. I felt different my entire life and really didn’t understand until my ADD was diagnosed in my forties. Everything seemed harder for me.

Now, that I understand myself more, it’s not something I could do easily with my chronic pain and other ailments. I would have loved to get a Bachelor’s or even a Master’s degree but even if I could do physically and mentally, I can’t do financially now

There’s plenty of free learning sites on the Internet I may look into further in the future but right now I’m enjoying little things I find new in every day.

During the past few years I’ve come across distant cousins and friends from around the world. I love finding out new things from them. A few more interesting countries where I have met others have been Iran, Indonesia, Philippines, France, Germany, UK, Australia, New Zealand, and Norway. I can’t mention them all but I have learned so much from them.

I even feel younger learning more every day. So go and find something new to learn today, I think your mind will thank you for it later.

ADHD is Real

I’ve suffered with ADHD my entire life and was not diagnosed until my forties. It explained a lot of how frustrating life was to me growing up and still is. I get distracted by a pin drop a mile away and have all the symptoms in the above graphic. It kept me from writing for about 2 years now in this blog. I completely forgot about it and apologize to anyone who wrote comments to old posts without any response from me. Things have continue to be rough for me but have pretty much conquered my major depression.

It was a rough 7 years of hell for me. I haven’t taken any prescription drugs for a year now for depression. I didn’t plan it that way but just couldn’t afford them anymore. I was on so may different meds, I can’t even remember most of them besides the last one Brintellix that worked the best for me until I had to stop. They say that meds only work so much, well they are right for prescription drugs for me…the best was maybe 50% if that. My one good friend sent me some information about natural supplements that worked along with information about studies how well it worked. I looked them up and were reasonably priced (under $10 on the online vitamin shops) and tried them. It took a few weeks but since about October last year I felt better than I had in many years.

I wanted to start a new blog under a different name and bought a web address but still haven’t got it up. It’s http://www.colorlessnoise.com. I think the name symbolizes mental illness to me. It can affect anyone and is very distracting for you and others in your life. I’m going to try to get that up and running soon and may not return to this blog or set it up to copy posts back to this one. I want to concentrate on more positive than negative issues and will not be political correct. I love this Accepting Reality name too and had a website with that name too but couldn’t afford to keep it up.

Wow, I’m so scattered on writing and almost forgot about the main reason I started writing this post about ADHD and mental illness. There has been a lot of news the past few years about individuals suffering with mental illness and using guns to kill other people. I don’t think it’s an illness that does that, or at least in my case with major depression. I only wanted to kill myself, not anyone else. Not sorry I didn’t put Trigger Warning for that but don’t get me started on political correctness (this post is about mental illness, duh…). I think they are just using that excuse for our sorry state of the court system. It just makes the stigma worse for people who actually have mental illness and end up not to get help.

Besides stigma, there is other reasons why people don’t seek help or continue to get help. Money was the main reason for me. I couldn’t afford my co-pays for psychiatric, therapists, and prescription medicines. Money management is bad for most with mental illness and very bad for me. If our government is so concerned about mental illness they should make insurance companies provide mental help assistance for free as well as medicine to treat the illness. Their may be services that offer free assistance but I never found them and if I did, probably wouldn’t qualify for assistance (same thing for my prescriptions). Well, I have a bad headache from my blood pressure meds and can’t get one to work without any side effects so I think I’m done ranting for today.