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How Much

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I’m Sorry

I’m sorry, I’m broken…All of these are how I felt most of my life.  Growing up, I was never good enough for anyone, including myself.  Adding to everything else was anxiety, depression, and shyness.  I never had a “good” relationship.  I also went through a suicidal phase but never wanted to discuss that with anyone until I went through therapy.

Therapy and medication can only do so much.  You have to want to get better as well.  My psychiatrist at the time was like a mad scientist.  I tried so many antidepressants and other meds that just drugged me up and if anything helped minimally.  I was able to get quite a few medications put on my allergic list that caused major complications. 

I get started writing a new blog topic and then forget what I was trying to even say.  The main topic was going to be that I feel I’m not good in anything.  My writing style, grammar, punctuation, paragraphs, hopefully not any typos but maybe words changed by auto-correct, and even topics may not be very good.  I try to write topics that I have gone through and use a lot of inspirational quotes to help keep me going. 

They say that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself.  I, for one, do not believe that at all.  Maybe because I’m an empath.  Empathy will be a topic at another time though.  Back to my depressed life.  A little more than 2 years ago, I met the love of my life online.  She has completely changed my life for the better.  I have never been this happy for this long of a period in my entire life.  We both truly love each other unconditionally.

I wanted to turn my story into something positive but it took me to my mid 50s to get to a good place in my life.  I truly hope it doesn’t take as long for others.  Please don’t let any of these issues make you give up on life.  I am proof, life does get better.  I did have some very short term periods of happiness in my life prior, but never consistent.  My story is not over yet but I honestly feel that the best years of my life are still yet to come.  Please stay positive!

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Past and Future

I need to remember this is quote every day. When I don’t, it causes most of my depression and anxiety. There is so much pain and misery in my past that it is very hard not to be occupied by these thoughts.

Then I just need to remember, I am still here and survived. There’s got to be a reason why. I think the reason (s) why are still coming to me but they are starting to become more in focus.

So that leaves me worrying about the future making my anxiety go out of control at times. No one knows even if we will actually be alive tomorrow. Why do we even think anything we worry about can even be changed?

Living in the past or future just takes our happiness away from now (today). I have proven I am strong, of course I’m still struggling at times, but I am still here. I am now! I am going to live my best life moving forward.