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I’m Sorry

I’m sorry, I’m broken…All of these are how I felt most of my life.  Growing up, I was never good enough for anyone, including myself.  Adding to everything else was anxiety, depression, and shyness.  I never had a “good” relationship.  I also went through a suicidal phase but never wanted to discuss that with anyone until I went through therapy.

Therapy and medication can only do so much.  You have to want to get better as well.  My psychiatrist at the time was like a mad scientist.  I tried so many antidepressants and other meds that just drugged me up and if anything helped minimally.  I was able to get quite a few medications put on my allergic list that caused major complications. 

I get started writing a new blog topic and then forget what I was trying to even say.  The main topic was going to be that I feel I’m not good in anything.  My writing style, grammar, punctuation, paragraphs, hopefully not any typos but maybe words changed by auto-correct, and even topics may not be very good.  I try to write topics that I have gone through and use a lot of inspirational quotes to help keep me going. 

They say that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself.  I, for one, do not believe that at all.  Maybe because I’m an empath.  Empathy will be a topic at another time though.  Back to my depressed life.  A little more than 2 years ago, I met the love of my life online.  She has completely changed my life for the better.  I have never been this happy for this long of a period in my entire life.  We both truly love each other unconditionally.

I wanted to turn my story into something positive but it took me to my mid 50s to get to a good place in my life.  I truly hope it doesn’t take as long for others.  Please don’t let any of these issues make you give up on life.  I am proof, life does get better.  I did have some very short term periods of happiness in my life prior, but never consistent.  My story is not over yet but I honestly feel that the best years of my life are still yet to come.  Please stay positive!

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Eyes Don’t Lie

Tones and I ~ Eyes Don’t Lie

Are you a stranger? (Are you a stranger?)
But you seem so familiar
It’s hard to explain, yeah (it’s hard to explain, yeah)
From what I can see, from what I can see
And maybe I’m broken
But my arms are wide open for ya
And you’ll never know it, but you’re just like me
From what I can see

The above verse from Eyes Don’t Lie really gets to me.  Most of my life I felt broken and maybe that’s why I never found a love that was meant to last.  Maybe we were both broken and became to resent each other, slowly growing further apart until there was nothing. 

Maybe we all have to go through failed relationships so we can cherish the good ones that come. 

For me, meeting the right one felt different from the start.  I felt like I could open up and talk about anything from my entire life.  I have never been more happy than I have been for the past two years with the love of my life.  It’s not easy because it’s been a long distance relationship with us living in different countries.  For now, I just want to concentrate on the happiness and think positive for our future.

Also related to eyes don’t lie it’s our pictures before we met and after.  We looked sad in most old pictures but the ones after we met our eyes look happy.  I truly don’t think I knew what love really was until now and I’m going to cherish it for as long as I can.

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This song gets to every time I hear it. I feel like I’ve been invisible my entire life to women. Anyone I would like, rarely liked me back. No one really took the time to get to know me. It didn’t help my self esteem because I was never good enough for my father to do anything right. I really felt unlovable and unworthy of real true love most of my life.

Never give up hope though because 55 weeks ago I met the person that made me happier than I’ve been my entire life. She’s beautiful, loving, caring, and genuinely the best person I could have ever asked for. She knows more about me more than any other person in my entire life. I can be just myself and it feels right. We honestly love each other unconditionally. My love knows who I am and my life has never been better.

Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls