Posted in Posts

The Darkest Hour

This is a good reminder for individuals suffering with anxiety, depression, or pain. We need to keep holding on and things will improve. Nothing happens instantly overnight but no matter how dark you feel life is at this very moment, it honestly does get better.

Advertisement
Posted in Posts

Ask for Help

I used to keep everything to myself and it almost killed me. No one knew how much pain I was in and they would have been surprised to find out if I was found dead. I kept a smile whenever I was with others.

I thought I had no one to confide in or anyone that would care. I was wrong. I did try family but I only let them know a little how bad I actually was. Would they have helped me? I don’t know. Is it worth never finding out and killing yourself? Did I have any friends I could talk to? Well, I had one and we were both in a bad place at the time. I finally broke down and told my primary doctor. I don’t know why I was so scared to tell him. He gave me a referral to a therapist and I sought further help.

That saved my life. I don’t think I could’ve made it not for seeking help and put on anti-depression meds along with therapy. I couldn’t afford my co-pays to keep going so it was a long struggle to improve. Between the years of 2007-2013 were the worst years of my life. But you know what? Life does get better!

There is always someone that is willing to help. Try family, friends, your neighbor, your teacher, your doctor, or even calling a suicide prevention number in your area. Never feel like you are all alone. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So don’t be shy about asking for help. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it only means you are wise.

Please remember to always help someone in need. You may be the only one that does and can save their life. Be kind, always.

Posted in Posts

H.O.P.E.

I felt like I didn’t have hope for a long time. Every day I was just existing and not really living. I hated my life and every morning I would wake up thinking what’s going to go wrong today. I don’t even remember the last time I was really happy, if at all.

That changed 54 weeks ago when I met a special person. To me, she is the most special, beautiful, smart, woman I ever met. I now know for the first time how it feels to be loved and cared about with it being unconditional both ways. My days are happy and look forward to a future together. I am inspired to be an better man and feel like I really have a purpose for the first time in my life.

Maybe I survived to this point in my life because God had a purpose for me. I know I have turned her life around as well and we both feel blessed. I didn’t have hope and was miserable. Maybe if I believed tomorrow would have been better, I would have enjoyed a better life.

Never, ever give up because then you’ll never have a chance for life to improve. If you are having a rough time right now please have faith that your life will improve. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or in a month but it will happen. Fifty five weeks ago I would have thought this advice is full of shit but I kept pushing forward. I now have hope and know tomorrow will be better. H.O.P.E. (hold on pain ends).

Posted in Posts

Pain Changes People

It’s been over a year since my last writing. I always think about writing when I’m miserable and need to rant. I’m pissed off how you practically have to beg for pain medicine now from your doctor while the abusers can get theirs no problem. Yes, something needs to be done against the abusers and doctors shouldn’t have to punish those that actually need them by limiting or cutting the prescriptions off.

I’ve been on pain meds for maybe 15 years and a few months ago my doctor cut me off. Finally I was able to get a new prescription today. It is for a different, less powerful pain medication but better than nothing. Hopefully, I won’t have an issue getting it renewed every month until my next visit in 3 months. I have too many health issues to list but probably named some in older posts. It’s like doctors are stupid that maybe my depression partially comes from being in miserable pain every day. I really don’t know what I may have done if I didn’t get some help today. I haven’t been suicidal since 2007 but thoughts were returning.

I have to stay in the moment and not stay stuck in the past or worrying about tomorrow. Yes, my DBT therapy helped a few years back and need to get refocused on that training. Pain does change you in many ways. Pain can make you depressed, irritable, feel hopeless, and just be afraid of life altogether because you don’t know if things will ever improve. God willing I’ll try to write again soon and not wait another year! Rant over…

Posted in Posts

ADHD is Real

adhd

I’ve suffered with ADHD my entire life and was not diagnosed until my forties. It explained a lot of how frustrating life was to me growing up and still is. I get distracted by a pin drop a mile away and have all the symptoms in the above graphic. It kept me from writing for about 2 years now in this blog. I completely forgot about it and apologize to anyone who wrote comments to old posts without any response from me. Things have continue to be rough for me but have pretty much conquered my major depression.

It was a rough 7 years of hell for me. I haven’t taken any prescription drugs for a year now for depression. I didn’t plan it that way but just couldn’t afford them anymore. I was on so may different meds, I can’t even remember most of them besides the last one Brintellix that worked the best for me until I had to stop. They say that meds only work so much, well they are right for prescription drugs for me…the best was maybe 50% if that. My one good friend sent me some information about natural supplements that worked along with information about studies how well it worked. I looked them up and were reasonably priced (under $10 on the online vitamin shops) and tried them. It took a few weeks but since about October last year I felt better than I had in many years.

I wanted to start a new blog under a different name and bought a web address but still haven’t got it up. It’s http://www.colorlessnoise.com. I think the name symbolizes mental illness to me. It can affect anyone and is very distracting for you and others in your life. I’m going to try to get that up and running soon and may not return to this blog or set it up to copy posts back to this one. I want to concentrate on more positive than negative issues and will not be political correct. I love this Accepting Reality name too and had a website with that name too but couldn’t afford to keep it up.

Wow, I’m so scattered on writing and almost forgot about the main reason I started writing this post about ADHD and mental illness. There has been a lot of news the past few years about individuals suffering with mental illness and using guns to kill other people. I don’t think it’s an illness that does that, or at least in my case with major depression. I only wanted to kill myself, not anyone else. Not sorry I didn’t put Trigger Warning for that but don’t get me started on political correctness (this post is about mental illness, duh…). I think they are just using that excuse for our sorry state of the court system. It just makes the stigma worse for people who actually have mental illness and end up not to get help.

Besides stigma, there is other reasons why people don’t seek help or continue to get help. Money was the main reason for me. I couldn’t afford my co-pays for psychiatric, therapists, and prescription medicines. Money management is bad for most with mental illness and very bad for me. If our government is so concerned about mental illness they should make insurance companies provide mental help assistance for free as well as medicine to treat the illness. Their may be services that offer free assistance but I never found them and if I did, probably wouldn’t qualify for assistance (same thing for my prescriptions). Well, I have a bad headache from my blood pressure meds and can’t get one to work without any side effects so I think I’m done ranting for today.