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Past and Future

I need to remember this is quote every day. When I don’t, it causes most of my depression and anxiety. There is so much pain and misery in my past that it is very hard not to be occupied by these thoughts.

Then I just need to remember, I am still here and survived. There’s got to be a reason why. I think the reason (s) why are still coming to me but they are starting to become more in focus.

So that leaves me worrying about the future making my anxiety go out of control at times. No one knows even if we will actually be alive tomorrow. Why do we even think anything we worry about can even be changed?

Living in the past or future just takes our happiness away from now (today). I have proven I am strong, of course I’m still struggling at times, but I am still here. I am now! I am going to live my best life moving forward.

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This July 4th there is a lot to celebrate being the 245th birthday of our nation. There is so much to be thankful for in America and I will not go into that in this post. I want to remember all my loved ones that are gone like I do on every holiday. I’ve been through a lot of loss and the only member of my immediate family left. I used to be sad and depressed on holidays and never looked forward to them. That has changed this year for me.

I am thankful for my new family and future I’ll be starting soon with the person I love. What better way to move forward is by remembering all the good things I loved most about the people who are gone. I’ll try to be happy carrying on all their good that I remember.

My closest brother Paul was my best friend and was the most kind and caring man I ever knew. I think I already have that characteristic and will continue. My brother Mark was a go getter and did whatever he had to do to live a life on his own and support his family. I know what I want in life now and will do my best to make it happen to start my new family. My parents did what they needed to do to support their children and stayed together through good and bad. Being disabled, I am limited to what I can do but I will fight and promise to love my wife and be faithful through any issues that may arise and support her any way I can. My grandparents were very loving and I definitely have that trait. I will definitely honor them by showing love and kindness.

“The Remembrance of the good done those we have loved is the only consolation when we have lost them.” (Demoustier). Of course they will remain in my heart forever and it’s easy to remember the happy times instead of the sad. When I’m gone, I hope I’ll be remembered for everything I have and will show to my family.

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Pain Changes People

It’s been over a year since my last writing. I always think about writing when I’m miserable and need to rant. I’m pissed off how you practically have to beg for pain medicine now from your doctor while the abusers can get theirs no problem. Yes, something needs to be done against the abusers and doctors shouldn’t have to punish those that actually need them by limiting or cutting the prescriptions off.

I’ve been on pain meds for maybe 15 years and a few months ago my doctor cut me off. Finally I was able to get a new prescription today. It is for a different, less powerful pain medication but better than nothing. Hopefully, I won’t have an issue getting it renewed every month until my next visit in 3 months. I have too many health issues to list but probably named some in older posts. It’s like doctors are stupid that maybe my depression partially comes from being in miserable pain every day. I really don’t know what I may have done if I didn’t get some help today. I haven’t been suicidal since 2007 but thoughts were returning.

I have to stay in the moment and not stay stuck in the past or worrying about tomorrow. Yes, my DBT therapy helped a few years back and need to get refocused on that training. Pain does change you in many ways. Pain can make you depressed, irritable, feel hopeless, and just be afraid of life altogether because you don’t know if things will ever improve. God willing I’ll try to write again soon and not wait another year! Rant over…

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Downward Spiral


I have been feeling worse daily for the past few weeks.  I know this feeling and have been there before.  How can I keep from falling further?  I’m glad I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and it really comes at a good time for some help.

I’m keep on getting further in debt, medical bills keep coming, prescription costs are outrageous, as well as the regular bills.  My credit cards are filling up and know making the minimums will be a problem within a few months.  I waste money on fast food and pizza because it is too hard to get around in most stores.  I’m so tired of being in pain and having minimal pain relief from pills.

I can’t stand listening to all the lies and part-truths the politicians keep saying.  I like some of what Romney stands for but I feel that Obama is the better person to help people like me, needing health care and hopefully one day I’ll get better and go back to work. I think my and many other futures will be  better with Obama.  If I can’t stop my spiral though, I guess it doesn’t really matter.