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I’m Sorry

I’m sorry, I’m broken…All of these are how I felt most of my life.  Growing up, I was never good enough for anyone, including myself.  Adding to everything else was anxiety, depression, and shyness.  I never had a “good” relationship.  I also went through a suicidal phase but never wanted to discuss that with anyone until I went through therapy.

Therapy and medication can only do so much.  You have to want to get better as well.  My psychiatrist at the time was like a mad scientist.  I tried so many antidepressants and other meds that just drugged me up and if anything helped minimally.  I was able to get quite a few medications put on my allergic list that caused major complications. 

I get started writing a new blog topic and then forget what I was trying to even say.  The main topic was going to be that I feel I’m not good in anything.  My writing style, grammar, punctuation, paragraphs, hopefully not any typos but maybe words changed by auto-correct, and even topics may not be very good.  I try to write topics that I have gone through and use a lot of inspirational quotes to help keep me going. 

They say that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself.  I, for one, do not believe that at all.  Maybe because I’m an empath.  Empathy will be a topic at another time though.  Back to my depressed life.  A little more than 2 years ago, I met the love of my life online.  She has completely changed my life for the better.  I have never been this happy for this long of a period in my entire life.  We both truly love each other unconditionally.

I wanted to turn my story into something positive but it took me to my mid 50s to get to a good place in my life.  I truly hope it doesn’t take as long for others.  Please don’t let any of these issues make you give up on life.  I am proof, life does get better.  I did have some very short term periods of happiness in my life prior, but never consistent.  My story is not over yet but I honestly feel that the best years of my life are still yet to come.  Please stay positive!

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Communication is Key

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Communication is key to anything we do in life.  We can talk about other people, what we did last night, or what are plans are for the weekend but not about how we actually feel and how much pain we may be in.

I’m 46 and learned earlier this year I have ADHD.  If I opened up about how hard it is for me to focus, I may of been able to get help earlier and did better in school. I never knew growing up, that not all people shared the same problems because it just wasn’t something you shared with others back in the day.  Maybe it’s more of a guy thing and it’s harder for us to ask for help?

Another struggle I’m facing is major depression that dates back at least 15 or more years. I knew I needed help but this was the hardest subject to bring up to my doctor.  After two failed attempts at taking my life, I decided it was time because maybe after all, there is a plan for me.  That day at the doctors office, I was so scared.  To top it off, the doctor had a student intern in with him that day but I decided I wasn’t going to chicken out no matter what.  I told the doctor what I was going through and couldn’t keep the tears from falling.  He asked many questions and then prescribed some medicine to help.

Chronic pain was easier to bring up to my doctor than my depression but still was hard.  I was thinking, maybe the doctor will think all I want is drugs to get high on or something and won’t believe me.  I have had x-rays and mri’s to confirm the pain, so that made me feel better that there is proof that I need the medicine instead of it all being in my head.

There is no shame to asking for help, no matter what your problem may be.  There is no quick fix to any problem but there are people who will take time to listen and help.  I’m still going through so many struggles and need to keep communicating so I can get the best help available to my problems.  If you are scared to get help, start by writing in a private journal to keep track of issues you are facing.  This will help later on when you decide to get additional help.  Just remember, the sooner you do seek help, the sooner you can be on the road to recovery.